So the extraction begins…
What do I mean by extraction?
You see, perhaps like you, or perhaps unlike you (and it’s funny I’m starting this off by seemingly speaking to someone…like someone will actually read this, because that’s not the goal, but I digress), I have a constant barrage of swirling thoughts. Every day. From the minute I wake up to the time I go to sleep (which in itself is challenging). They’re always there. Sometimes nice, pleasant thoughts. Sometimes skeptical. Sometimes depressing. Sometimes happy and hopeful. Mostly the swirl of questioning, wondering, questioning life and existence and purpose and what the fuck it all means.
Sleep is challenging. Existing is challenging. Interacting is challenging sometimes. I often find myself, at this progressed age, secretly downing copious amounts of alcohol just so I can be social and feel ok. Just to quell the thoughts for a while and have some sustained relief. Of course I know that’s the shitty way to handle it. It’s just masking. And it’s a depressant, which I should stay the fuck away from. But always easier to say “you know it’s bad so just stop” and harder to do. Ask any addict. Not that I consider myself an addict. It doesn’t affect my work or my daily life. I’m not blacking out and failing to wake up and keep my responsibilities. But I numb myself frequently.
Once again I digress. But that’s the point. This is meant for me. I have to do some daily journaling. SOMETHING to get this out. Something to just put out there and see if it helps. If it connects.
If you’re an actual human (not a bot…fuck off, bot) and reading this, then holy crap. I’ve tried to hide from search and navigation and all that, but if you found it, congrats. What will start appearing each day are these inner ramblings that could prove to be entertaining or downright exhausting. Or entirely useless. Your call. But holy fuck the hours people spend scrolling through Facebook and Instagram, numbing themselves to their own lives and surroundings, trying to fend off the boredom and their own loneliness…well, that could be worse. This won’t be as entertaining, most of it will be dark, but it’s just my brain extracted on the page. And I’m ok with it. It’s for me. But if it’s something you relate to, then that’s a beautiful thing.
I know I’m not the only lonely-ass soul in the world who’s constantly questioning their own existence, wondering why we all deal with the rat race, comparing, suffering through the mundane shit of everyday life. I know I’m not. But in my world, I am. Because every fucker I know lives this beautiful Facebook life full of live and light and activities and connections and happiness and gratitude. So either they’re putting up some bullshit, or god bless ‘em for living this wonderful life. I’m not. I struggle on a daily basis and it’s time I admit it. To myself and this little ether. And if these inner ramblings and extractions help, then that’s progress.
I hope I can do this every day. We shall see.
By the way, all photos are mine so don’t get all uptight about copyright and bullshit like that. Good lord people need to chill the fuck out.